...and the Oscar goes to the overpaid, emaciated, Hollywood Starlet #4576

So, did anyone watch the Oscars last night? I only watched half of it, mostly because I don't give a shit. I'm not sitting at the edge of my seat to see who wins the Oscar this year!!! I only watch to see who looks like shit.

So, let's go through that list, shall we?? Tim Burton: What is up with the unshowered, just-got-off-a-rollercoaster look?? Is the frizz ball on the top of your head that much of a turn on to poor Helena??

Charlize Theron: Under normal circumstances you look amazing. I mean, with a man like Stuart Townsend, you can't be half bad.. However, I think you should seriously think about having your hair and makeup artist shot by Joan Rivers. Or Melissa, whichever aim is better.

J-Lo: I have one thing to say to you.. what the hell were you doing there to begin with??? Do you think you're an actress?? I thought you were just a wife? Maybe we should ship you off to Ave Maria, FL so you can learn not to get married 457878 times in a year. And, I think you're taking the name of your perfume too seriously.. "Glow" is definitely what you've accomplished. Overbronze much?

I don't only look at the horrors.. there are always beautiful people at the Oscar's.

First, and foremost: Nicole Kidman. Absolutely breathtaking. How Tom could have left you for that pouty-lipped, deer-in-the-headlights twirp is beyond me. Maybe he's a pedophile? He likes the ones that can't cut their own meat..

Salma Hyek: Talk about curvy spics! Yum. You're hot. Can I keep you in a plastic storage bin in my closet?? Right in between Michael Rosenbaum and Ryan Phillippe? I think you'll all get along well.

Honorable Mention goes to: Keira Knightley. You bug me, mostly because you're too damn skinny, but you look great.