The Ex Files

This may be the longest post in the history of blogs. Feel free to grab a beer and some chips cuz you'll be here a while. I'll wait..

Everyone has that ex.. the one who did something so horrible, or who's breath smelled so bad that they just stand out in your mind and years later that is what you remember about them. This is just a random list of my ex-boyfriends and their or my horribleness. Well, not ALL, just the ones I can remember. And, Joey, you're excluded from this list since you are a reader. I can be nice sometimes. =)

Let's begin with Nelson. Nelson was my first OFFICIAL boyfriend. Nelson and I had a month long relationship where we saw each other once. That one time was at the Galaxy Mall, where we stood in a darkened hallway making out. Nelson was NOT an attractive boy. Thank god it was a dark hallway. Years later I find out that my beautiful cousin, Zuzel, had a crush on him and never told me. I stole my first boyfriend. Just a little glimpse into my future..

Then, a few years later, came Bobby. Bobby dumped me because his friends hated me. Then, a couple of years and a growth spurt in the chest area later, Bobby decided he wanted me back. I took him back. I dumped him 2 weeks later because my friends hated him. Heh. The things we do in highschool..

Colin! Colin was my favorite ex in highschool, he was certainly the cutest. And, he still is quite the looker, unfortunately. Don't you hate that?? When they dump you and you see them years later you want them to be all kinds of fat and unattractive? No, not Colin. He's still good-looking and extremely successful. How annoying. Anyway, Colin dumped me at my good friend's Sweet 16 party. He was eyeing this skinny blond all night and I got mad and told him to not talk to her. I go to the bathroom and when I come back he's dancing with her!! I was so mad, but was prepared to forgive him and not fight about it and then he dumped me. I know what you're going to ask next and no he didn't end up with the blond.. he just didn't want to be with me. Aww.. I'm not still bitter. I took his picture off the voodoo doll last week. I'm over it.

Ryan should get an honorable mention at this point. He wasn't my boyfriend, but he was the boy who stole my virginity. I lost my virginity to the sounds of "Self Esteem" by the Offspring and then was told not to tell anyone it had happened. And you wonder why I am the way I am?? I should be sitting in a therapists office twice a week crying about how my mother never loved me and Ryan shattered my self-esteem.. oh wait, that's what we spoke about in yesterday's session..

In comes John. John was a guido to the max: tight jeans, black, high-top Reboks and all. VERY Italian boy. John was the beginning of my slut phase, I guess? First of all, he was dating a girl I went to school with when I started seeing him. Secondly, I cheated on the poor guy like 4 times? I'm no longer a slut, I swear!! Well, maybe just a little..

After John I moved to Miami and there have been a few guys here and there, most of which have been given nicknames by Joey and I can't even remember their real names anymore. The following is in no particular order:

DUI (driving under the influence), so nicknamed because he had lost his license and was under house arrest because it had happened so many times. I pick the winners, huh? Well, DUI was quite well-endowed, so that kept me around for some time. Maybe I am a slut? The clincher is the fact that his lack of job/transportation are not the reasons for my dumping him. What broke the deal was his alcoholic mother, who after having met/seen me three times before, walked into the living room one day and said to me , "Who the fuck are you??" Uhh.. buh-bye.

Lex Luthor I think came before DUI? Lex was so named for his bald head and tall/skinny frame. Much like most of my boyfriends. I have a thing for bald and lanky. Anyway, Lex was dumped for his chubby-chaser mentality. I was a tubby bitch at that time and he loved that about me and it annoyed the shit out of me. The deal breaker was the day that we were making out on his bed and he asked me to lay on top of him and put all my weight on him. He was like half my size! I could have killed him! I was a chunky butt, but I didn't want to feel like one!

And last, but certainly not least, is a boy who has neither a nickname or a real name. I can't remember it. He is just referred to as, "the one that died?" This boy was a bit of a drug addict and apparently OD'd in his bathtub and drowned. I wasn't with him at the time, or I wouldn't be so nonchalant about it. I don't even know if it's true?! But, he's the reason I don't date boys with long hair. #1, they tend to be potheads and #2, something about their hair being longer than mine is just girly and unappealing. Every time I begin to mention an ex-boyfriend I get the inevitable, "the one that died?"

I hate to admit that this isn't the end of the loser list. There are MANY more. But, you're bored enough at this point. If you've made it this far you're either THAT bored, that amused or love me that much. Either way, thanks!