Homosexuality is evil! Can I get an AMEN?!

Is it homosexuality that is evil, or sodomy? If it's the latter, then I'm going to hell. For the record, I've never had anal sex, but I wouldn't be completely opposed to it. Add that to my multiple tattoos (the 'mark of the devil' according to dad) and winning personality, and I'll be supervisor in hell soon enough. Figures, I can do it down there, but not up here.

Recently, a teacher at Miami Sunset Senior High has come under fire for her religious-freak, ignorant comments about homosexuality. It seems that a "gay" themed segment was taped and aired throughout the school in which she claims that homosexuality is wrong because the queer folks cannot procreate. The reason behind sex is solely for procreation, apparently. Tell that to the billion porn companies out there. I love how these people quote the bible in chastising homosexuality, but isn't it the bible that says god forgives all? God loves all? All except gays, evidently. Get off your high horse, you religious, Nazi freaks!! YOU'RE the one going to hell with the way you disrespect and criticize other people's lifestyles. Live your own life and mind your own fucking business.

On other fag-friendly news, Massachusetts has ruled that their same-sex marriage laws are not meant to be taken out of the state. I agree. If you live in Mass, and get married in Mass, then you should stay there. FOREVER. Who says that Florida has to recognize that you were legally married elsewhere? So, when you get married in Florida, gay or straight, and you move to New York you should be made to marry all over again. If you're in the military and move around a lot, then you'll be saying your nuptials quite often. Does this mean if you're in between moves and you decide that you don't want to be married anymore it's just null and void? No divorce needed, it just never existed? That would do wonders for the divorce rate of this country. Not to mention all the out-of-work divorce lawyers.

What is it that scares people about being gay?? What's the big deal?? Just mind your own business! What do you care who I fuck or have a relationship with? Does it affect you in any way? I don't think so.

I may have a biased opinion, though... =)

Sinead O'Connor? Is that you??

Ever since I was born, my mother has cut my hair. She was a beautician for most of my life. About 3 years ago she decided to retire her scissors and become a realtor. She's doing very well. I'm happy for her. I am not happy at losing my hair stylist. She refuses to do my hair, anymore. How do I cut the umbilical cord?? I have no choice. So, I decided to get my hair cut at lunch today. I took a picture with me, so there is no confusion about what I want. Keep in mind that I am EXTREMELY paranoid at anyone touching my head, other than my mother. Now, I know why: THE WOMAN BUTCHERED MY HAIR!!! It looks NOTHING like the pretty picture I took. NOTHING!! It's a good thing I no longer look like a pro-wrestler, or this haircut would make me look like a bowling ball. HEINOUS!! Absolutely fucking heinous. Did I tip her? Yes. Why? I felt bad. I know, I know.. I'm stupid.

Moral of the story: I will not cut my hair ever again. I will be one of those 80 year old women with grey hair down to their ass. The ones that you see on the street and you feel like taking a pair of box cutters to their heads because, they just look ridiculous. Yep, that will be me. Just call me Rapunzel.

How to stop caring...

Step #1: Remind yourself that it's just a job and it's not the end of the world.

Step #2: Do not let said job ruin your weekend.

Step #3: Get laid.

Step #4: Have a ciggarette after getting laid.

Oh, wait.. I lost my train of thought. My apologies.

Go home, tourist!!

Today was a prime example of why I loathe South Beach as much as I do.. with the exception of Lincoln Road, which isn't as bad as the rest of the beach. I got there at about 5pm to go to the MAC store and do some makeup shopping. I didn't even look at the store, or look for parking. It took me 1 hour to get home. It took me 1 damn hour to drive less than 50 blocks.

When you go to NYC, do you not look both ways before crossing the street?? Do you not pay attention to the lights?? NYers will run your ass over, no question. Why is it when you come here you just saunter across the street without a care in the world, when there are cars trying to pass?? Why can you not wait your turn?? Why must you be on a cell phone paying even less attention? Will it take one of us corny Floridians running your ghetto ass over in order for you to pay attention?? If so, I will gladly take one for the team.

Scooters. Whomever invented scooters needs to be hung by their toenails with rusty hooks. They are the most heinous invention on the planet. Do you think you're in Europe?? Do you think you are driving a Harley?? I love the ghetto boys, with the gold teeth, that drive them in packs. The neon green/yellow scooters that look oh-so-manly!! Do you not see how queer you look driving around with your 5 friends in matching scooters!! Why don't you all wear matching chaps while you're at it!

Bleach and fake tits. First off sweetie, frosting is so 1990, are you kidding me? Secondly, when you're running across the street and your tits aren't bouncing with you, we know their fake. At least spend the money on a good surgeon.

Upturned collars. What's with the 15 yr olds from Podunk, Idaho wearing their cute little Polo shirts with the collars turned up? Are we a rebel?? Are we having a James Dean moment?? Do you even know who James Dean is? Wear your shirt the proper way. You don't look cool, or even remotely rebel-like, you just look like mommy didn't dress you properly this morning.

...and the Oscar goes to the overpaid, emaciated, Hollywood Starlet #4576

So, did anyone watch the Oscars last night? I only watched half of it, mostly because I don't give a shit. I'm not sitting at the edge of my seat to see who wins the Oscar this year!!! I only watch to see who looks like shit.

So, let's go through that list, shall we?? Tim Burton: What is up with the unshowered, just-got-off-a-rollercoaster look?? Is the frizz ball on the top of your head that much of a turn on to poor Helena??

Charlize Theron: Under normal circumstances you look amazing. I mean, with a man like Stuart Townsend, you can't be half bad.. However, I think you should seriously think about having your hair and makeup artist shot by Joan Rivers. Or Melissa, whichever aim is better.

J-Lo: I have one thing to say to you.. what the hell were you doing there to begin with??? Do you think you're an actress?? I thought you were just a wife? Maybe we should ship you off to Ave Maria, FL so you can learn not to get married 457878 times in a year. And, I think you're taking the name of your perfume too seriously.. "Glow" is definitely what you've accomplished. Overbronze much?

I don't only look at the horrors.. there are always beautiful people at the Oscar's.

First, and foremost: Nicole Kidman. Absolutely breathtaking. How Tom could have left you for that pouty-lipped, deer-in-the-headlights twirp is beyond me. Maybe he's a pedophile? He likes the ones that can't cut their own meat..

Salma Hyek: Talk about curvy spics! Yum. You're hot. Can I keep you in a plastic storage bin in my closet?? Right in between Michael Rosenbaum and Ryan Phillippe? I think you'll all get along well.

Honorable Mention goes to: Keira Knightley. You bug me, mostly because you're too damn skinny, but you look great.

Domino's Pizza and Ave Maria

Only in Florida...

The founder of Domino's Pizza, who has sold the business in order to devote his life to doing good deeds, has formed a partnership with Barron Collier Company (real estate development) to create a town. They are constructing a Catholic University, and creating the town of Ave Maria (after the Ave Maria University).

This lovely little town will be completely Catholic. Stores will not sell pornographic materials, condoms, birth control, and cable tv will be restricted. What are the problems with this, other than the obvious legal issues?? WHAT IS THE POINT?? Let's take the fact that pharmacies won't sell condoms. And?? Do you really think that an entire university of horny teenagers will not drive 10 miles down the road to buy a box?? Or, drive to the x-rated video store for some porn? Are you going to make it illegal to own these items, as well? If not, then this is pointless. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they won't bother driving the 10 miles down the road for some Trojans with Spermacide. Then, you'll have a happy little town with the highest rate of teenage pregnancy in the US. Good job, Domino's man! Oh, and have I mentioned that abortion are not allowed here?

I thought the creepy town of Celebration, FL was bad, but this takes the cake. Why is it that Florida is full of these stepford-wives areas?? Do people really want to live like this? Call me crazy, but I like the fact that everyone is different and everyone has different beliefs. Of course, they are all stupid because they don't think like I do, but it's their prerogative.

Get out of Pleasantville, people!! We're not living in the 30's anymore!! The world is a happy place full of sex, drugs, abortions and welfare payments! Get used to it, cuz it ain't gonna get any better than this.

And, that is my two cents.

4 Things

Ok, Ana has given me another list to compile. Another list of crap you don't care to know about me. Here is my list of 4 things for your reading displeasure:

Four Jobs I've Had: Trainer for Miami-Dade Elections (where I'm still at, unfortunately), Admin Asst for Life Insurance Agency (where my 60 yr old boss stuck his toungue in my mouth) & Engineering Firm (where I learned you don't shit where you eat) and Home Depot cashier (where I learned Hialeah is not the place to work)!!

Four Movies I Can Watch Repeatedly: The Craft (I still have a high school obsession with witchcraft), Grease, The Breakfast Club (Can you hear this?? Would you like me to turn it up?), Secretary (I just like watching Maggie try to spank herself with a hairbrush)

Places I've Lived: Miami Beach, FL (hell); Doral, FL (hell); Hialeah, FL (raging, fiery pit of hell); Englewood, NJ

Four TV Shows I Love: Law and Order: SVU, Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Everybody Loves Raymond

Four Places I've Vacationed: Italy, San Fransisco, Las Vegas, Aruba

Four Sites I Visit Daily: Yahoo! Mail, MySpace, Blogger, CNN

Four Places I Would Rather Be Right Now: Home, taking a nap, Greece, Italy or Seattle, WA

And, just to add a little twist..

Four Random Names of Guys I've slept with (in no particular order): Martin, John, Joey, DUI (his real name is Jeff)