How sweet it is to be loved by you...

YUM!

touilmnu

What is in a man?

I feel like being self-centered today. I'm going to tell you about my idea for the perfect man. But, I'm not necessarily talking about physical aspects. Although, let's be honest, that is important. This is more personality traits.

1. First and foremost should be honesty, right? I have to have an honest man. Who doesn't? Who wants a liar? HOWEVER, there's a limit to the amount of honesty I require. I don't want you lying to me about where you've been/are going, but when I ask you if that 5'10" beanpole with huge tits walking down the street is prettier than me LIE YOUR ASS OFF. In this case I don't need the truth. Just make me feel better.

2. Patience is a virtue and definitely when you're dealing with me. I can be loud, emotional, dramatic, angry, and whiney, among many other things. HOWEVER, there is a good side, you just have to look for it, I guess?

3. It's the little things that count. When you send me flowers on Valentine's Day or my birthday that's awesome. But, it's that random "thinking of you" card that I get in the mail, for no reason at all, that is really sweet.

4. Got brains? You better. I cannot deal with stupidity. I need to be able to have an intelligent conversation with you and it must not ALWAYS revolve around sex. Yes, sex is awesome, but you have to be able to talk about something other than my "dick sucking lips" and large boobs.

5. Gay friendly? Better be. I cannot deal with homophobic men, either. There is a good chance that my first child (if I have one) will be a flaming queer (or a ghetto-thug), so you better be prepared to handle it. I'm a fag hag x 20000, so you better believe that uncle armando and auntie eric will be part of my life for a long time.

6. Lastly, a LITTLE bit of macho isn't too bad. You can be into sports, fixing cars, and mowing lawns. That's kinda hot. You also need to get A LITTLE jealous about stuff. I don't want you to go overboard and want to beat the shit out of every guy I look at, but some jealousy is kinda hot.

All this wrapped up with someone that looks like Chris Malone, with a stable job, decent car and home and you got yourself a deal. I'm not that picky, am I??

Is it the beginning or is it the end?

I have a problem with starting projects and never finishing them.  I'm a guy like that.  I always want to get my hands into everything at once, but never follow anything to the end.  I'm a big craft geek.  Right now I'm working on some paintings for my mom that I wanted to have done for her on Mother's Day.  Yea, that didn't happen.  I'm also in the middle of working on my scrapbook for my vacation last year and I have yet to start the one for my San Fran trip this year.  I'm in the process of reading 3 books, and I also go to school full-time and work full-time.  I'm also trying to make time to go to the gym at least 5 times a week.  Where is the time?  Where is the time to finish the things I want to do?  I have no time for myself and that frustrates me.  This is such a cliche, but there need to be more hours in a day.  Or maybe I just need to manage my time better?  Obviously, my priorities should be work and school (not necessarily in that order), but I don't want them to be!!  My priorities should be what I WANT, not what I HAVE to do. Who says I HAVE to do them?? I do. I have to do them to have a good, stable job where I can make decent money and slack off. In order to get both I need a degree. I don't want to be a supervisor or director of anything. I just want to be a tiny, little sliver of a very large, sometimes well-oiled-machine. I want to work to live, not live to work.

Who decided what the life cycle would be like, anyway? You spend your youth, or should I say waste your youth, trying to get older quickly.  Little do we realize what awaits us at the other end:  work, overtime, sucky salaries, mortgage payments, children, ball-n-chain(s) (again, not necessarily in that order). Why doesn't life start out really hard, then get easier as we go along? We should be born all-knowing and quickly shoved into the working world, then as we age we get dumber and more senile. They do say ignorance is bliss, after all. At this point we've worked hard for 60+ years, so now someone just takes care of us as we go backwards in time and enjoy our lives and lack of responsibility. I guess one could consider retirement in this way.. you go into a retirement home and people take care of you, but somehow it's different. At least when you're young you have the energy to be able to do what you want. When you're REALLY old and senile, you just sit around staring at your toes and drooling. We should be able to enjoy the end of our lives, otherwise, what's the point of living?

You're born and grow up too quickly, but have no responsibilities and all the energy in the world. You go to school, you learn, you get older. You finish school, you have to get a job and pay bills, you no longer have the energy you used to. 60 years later you're completely exhausted and just need a looooong break. Then, you worry about money and where it's coming from, cause lord knows you're not gonna make shit off of your social security checks. You're too old to really enjoy your grandkids and you no longer travel because airplanes give you heartburn and gas. So, you spend the last few years of life sitting in a rocking chair saying things like, "When I was your age I was hip!! I used to rock out at Jimmy Buffet concerts!! Your grandma sure knew how to party! Oh, be a dear and fetch grandpa his dentures, I think he left them on the porch, again!!"

So, again I ask, what's the point of living if you're not going to enjoy the end?

What exactly is in the special sauce?

"I guess we should feel some sort of guilt, but she broke the cardinal rule; NEVER FUCK WITH PEOPLE WHO HANDLE YOUR FOOD."

For anyone who has ever been rude or obnoxious to a waitor/waitress I have one recommendation for you: "Waiting." This movie will cure you of any feelings you may have that your waitstaff is 'beneath' you. I don't understand what possesses people to be mean to the people handeling their food??

I've heard several stories from people in the food service industry and I've been friends with enough waiters to know it's all true. I had an ex that worked at a pizza joint who admitted to jerking off in the pizzas before they went in the oven for those special customers. I've also known a few ice cream scoopers who would do really gross stuff, too. Personally, I could never work in the food service industry. Actually, I don't think I could be in any kind of customer service industry. People suck and they deserve everything they get. Who are you to be that demeaning to someone?

What about tipping? I'm an avid tipper. Unless the service is ABSOLUTELY HORRENDOUS they will get 20%. If the service was that bad then they'll only get 10%. I've worked for tips before, I know how much it sucks. People don't realize that waitors/waitresses only make $2.50/hour at most, so they depend on tips. Luckily, I was making a better salary than that, so the tips weren't everything I had to depend on. I also didn't have to share my tips with anyone. Waitstaff also have to share with busers, although most of the time they lie and screw them.

Moral of the story: if you are one of those obnoxious people, or a really bad tipper, rent "Waiting." You NEED to see it.

Here we are now. Entertain us.

What's with singer/songwriters/bands getting all political these days? I don't care what your political views are, just sing about love, heartache, or how your ex ran over your dog with your pickup truck. I don't need to hear you spew shit about homosexual rights, the troops being off to war, or anything else. I have my own opinions, you don't have to inundate me with yours in an attempt to sway my opinion. You talk about the presidency and evil political actors brainwashing people, but what do you think you're doing?? And all set to catchy tunes, no less. That makes it even better.

Tonight, on a very special episode of Pessimist Reality...

There's this guy that works in my building. His name is Tom. Tom is REALLY nice. He's very friendly and chatty, and he's not too shabby looking, either. Tom walks a little weird, though. He walks like there's something wrong with his hip, spine, or leg. Maybe it's neurological? Maybe he was born this way? Maybe it's a birth defect? I'm afraid to ask him what it is. Either way, whenever I see Tom I want to cry. This could be me in 5 or 10 years and that depresses me.

What I think about is, how shallow am I? If Tom asked me out, would I date someone like this? What if it was me? Would people still want to date me? Can you look past something like this? Fuck. As I write this my eyes are tearing up. What if you date a person, who at first is normal.. then something tragic happens? They are in a horrible car accident, they get some neurological disease, whatever. Now what? Do you dump them? Do you stay with them out of pity? What if you truly love this person? Is your love enough to overcome this? Will you wheel them down the aisle?

What if it was me.. would I rather walk around like this, or just use a wheelchair, even if I don't REALLY need one? Am I that concerned about appearances? I'm afraid I am. I don't know if I could handle the looks of pity, or people being nice to me just because they feel sorry for me. Even if they aren't thinking that, I would imagine that they were. Could I just get over it? I don't know that I could..

I know this is a depressing topic, my apologies. On to more angry things next post.

Awwww

It's just cute! Don't read into it.

Let's Get Something Straight...

The Supermarket Express Lane is 10 items or less. That means if you're buying 15 bottles of iced tea, and they're all separate, that is 15 separate items!!! They don't count as one just because they're all the same. If it doesn't have eco-unfriendly plastic wrap around it, then they are separate items, damnit!!

"I see," said the blind woman.

Why are some women so blind? Maybe I'm one of them and I don't even know it. You see your man isn't acting normal, he's being shadey, whatever.. and still you don't want to see the truth. Is it better to look the other way, than to be alone? Do you really want to live with that kind of disrespect?

I don't think I'll ever be one of those women. If I get even a tiny inkling that I'm being disrespected, I will tail your ass. If we're married, I will pay someone to follow you. And, I will get a good one that isn't all obvious. You won't know they're there. Although, in reality, cheating has no bearing in divorce proceedings in the state of Florida (it being a 'no-fault' state and all), but I'd still want to know. I may even have you videotaped, or photographed and post them everywhere I know you'll go. Send them to every family member and friend you have. The truth will set me free.

Recently, I've heard of 2 cases of cheating boyfriends. Both women were stupid, in my opinion. Woman #1 paid a private detective $5,000 to go on a cruise that her boyfriend was on. He caught him with two other women and took pictures. My problem with this is, first of all, it's a BOYFRIEND. It's not a husband, or fiance, it's a BOYFRIEND. Why waste your money? My second problem with this is, why is he going on a cruise without you?? Isn't this in itself a HUGE sign that there's something wrong?? And, it was a Spring Break cruise, to top it all off. Hello?! What did you really expect to happen??

Girl #2 has caught her boyfriend sending inappropriate emails to other girls, which he discarded and had excuses for. She bought them. She moves to another state (he doesn't) for a new job and they stay together. Granted, it's only about a 3 hour drive, but that's far enough! He cheated on her with a few girls and she caught him, again, by email. And, the first time wasn't a HUGE indication? Although, I suppose in this case I shouldn't talk.. I've caught a boyfriend sending inappropriate emails and didn't dump him. Maybe I am blind, after all.

Fat, fatty, fat-fat!!

We're fat. The obesity problem in this country is out of hand. With Starbucks, McDonalds and Wendy's in every corner of every city, everyone wants a fast fix. In a new agreement by several beverage companies throughout the US, our schools will no longer be stocking soda in their vending machines. Soda will be replaced by no-sugar juices, low-fat milks, flavored waters and diet sodas.

I am no hypocrite! I'm a fatty. I try to eat as well as possible, but admit that it's difficult when one has no time, or when that bbq-mushroom burger just sounds too good to pass up. You need to splurge every now and then, whether or not it's good for you. You need to enjoy life and there's nothing better than a big Ben & Jerry's sundae every once in a while. ONCE IN A WHILE. Those are the key words here, folks. This new agreement with schools and beverage companies is a nice start in trying to curb an ever-growing epidemic, but it cannot be stopped here.

Problem #1: if our children are so addicted to soda, they are just going to replace the sugared soda with diet sodas. Who said diet sodas are good for you?? Who says that all that fake sugar is good for you? Aren't there studies that say artificial sweeteners cause colon cancer, or uncontrollable bowl movements, in lab rats? We're just trading in one evil for another. Hey, kids! You may have to wear depends by the time you're 20, but at least you'll be thin!! Hurray!

Problem #2: there are now no more high-sugared sodas, but what about cafeteria food? Is the fried chicken fingers, frozen pizza, or greasy cheeseburgers not also attributing to America's fatness problem? Maybe when cafeterias start serving brown rice with vegetables, or whole wheat breads, then this will help. Until then, I'll have a double cheeseburger with bacon, fries and a diet coke, please. Can we say POINTLESS??

Problem #3: where are the parents in all this? Children will do what they want, regardless of what parents think/say, but if you're training your puppy from a young age on what to eat and what is bad for you then maybe, just maybe, they'll listen! "Little Herman, Jr... do you want to be a big, fat cow when you grow up and never get laid?? No, I didn't think so. Then, step away from the pepperoni pizza before you get hurt."

I'll get off my soapbox, now.

It's a day of mourning...

Today is a sad, sad day.. today will be my last blog on Miami's tax money. There is a new computer system being implimented in our department and this will be able to track every move we make. The man is watching. I can't afford to lose my job over my blog. Although, I doubt anyone will really check unless they have it in for you for other reasons, but still.. I don't want to give them any excuses. So, no more blogging from work!! You'll have to wait for me to get home. Sad, I know.

You'll Have Time

You'll Have Time
by William Shatner

Live life
Live life like you're gonna die
Because you're gonna
I hate to be the bearer of bad news
But you're gonna die

Maybe not today or even next year
But before you know it you'll be saying
Is this all there was?
What was all the fuss?
Why did I bother?

Now, maybe you won't suffer maybe it's quick
But you'll have time to think
Why did I waste it?
Why didn't I taste it?
You'll have time
Because you're gonna die.

Yes it's gonna happen because it's happened to a lot of people I know
My mother, my father, my loves
The president, the kings and the pope
They all had hope

And they muttered just before they went
Maybe, I won't let go
Live life like you're gonna die
Because you are

Maybe you won't suffer maybe it's quick
But you'll have time to think
Why did I waste it?
Why didn't I taste it?
You'll have time
'Cause you're gonna die

I tell you who else left us
Passed on down to heaven no longer with us
Johnny Cash, JFK, that guy in the Stones
Lou Gehrig, Einstein, and Joey Ramone
Have I convinced you?
Do you read my lips?
This may come as news but it's time
You're gonna die
You're gonna die

By the time you hear this I may well be dead
And you my friend might be next
'Cause we're all gonna die

Yeah, oh maybe you won't suffer and maybe it's quick
But you'll have time to think
Why did I waste it?
Why didn't I taste it?
You'll have time
You'll have time cause you're gonna die
Yes, you're gonna die
You're gonna die, I tell you
You're gonna die
You are gonna die

'Cause maybe you won't suffer maybe it's quick
But you have time to think
Why did I waste it?
Why didn't I taste it?
You'll have time 'cause you're gonna die

Live Life
Life life like you're gonna die
Because you're going to
Oh yes
I hate to be the beater of bad news
But you're gonna die

Maybe not today or even next year
But before you know it you'll be saying
Is this all there was?
What was all the fuss?
Why did I bother?
Why did I waste it?
Why didn't I taste it?
You'll have time, baby
You'll have time
'Cause you're gonna die
You are gonna die
Oh yeah