God Loves You. Everyone Else Thinks You're An Asshole.

Scratch that, not even god loves you.

My political beliefs tend to stay in the middle. I believe extremists are bad, in either case. An extreme right-wing, republican, natzi-freak is scary and an extreme left-wing, liberal, tree-huggin' nut is just as scary. Fiscally, I'm very conservative. Socially, I'm very liberal. I think people should be allowed to live their own lives, without having to answer to the rest of the world.

The reason I am talking about this is Leonard Pitts, Jr. He's a columnist for the Miami Herald (which I only read for Leonard, on occasion). Today's column is about Fred Phelps, of the Westboro Baptist Church. I refuse to link him on this blog, so you can search for him yourself. And, when you do, pay careful attention to the domain name of his CHURCH website. Fred Phelps is a psycho, Jesus-freak. He has coined the phrase, "God Hates Fags." Now, call me crazy, but after my 12 years of Catholic school, the one thing I learned (if nothing else) was that god hates no one. He forgives all, although I don't think that homosexuality is something that needs to be forgiven. Nor do I think that this blatant hatred and bigotry should be forgiven. I believe that people like Phelps should be put in jail and gang raped by 20 very large convicts. He should be made their bitch. Lipstick, pantyhose and all.

Apparently, Mr. Phelps believes that all of the casualties of the Iraq war are sacrifices made by the American people for being so tolerant of homosexuality. As if this country really is 'tolerant' of it, with that right-wing, religious nutcase in the White House?? To add insult to injury, Mr. Phelps and his natzi crew attend military funerals to celebrate the death of these poor soldiers, in front of their grieving families. Most states want to ban the right to demonstrate at military functions, and these morons are protesting that it is their First Amendment right.

Freedom of Speech. The double edged sword. I'm all for Howard Stern saying "Would you fuck me?" on the radio, but at what expense? He's been kicked off public stations and his 'freedom of speech' taken away, so what gives these morons the right to protest and not be banned?? Some people get freedom and some people don't? What are the guidelines to follow? What is going too far? "Fuck" can't be said aloud, but you can use the word "fag" and it's not offensive/degrading? You can celebrate the death of a 20 year old soldier in front of his grieving single mother, but don't you dare have a stripper masturbate on the radio!! That is just crossing the line.

E.T.?! That's a good one!!!

I have this co-worker. Let's call him Pat. That is his name, after all. Patrick is a salesman. He's one of those people that has to kiss everyone's ass, so they all think he's wonderful, then throws daggers at them behind their backs. He's also one of those annoying people that laugh ridiculously at the most inane jokes.. just to be a kiss ass.

Quite often Patrick says he'd kick ass on "Survivor" and I agree with him. He's got this good-guy act down really well. Everyone loves him and thinks he's the smartest thing since sliced bread, but he's actually quite useless. He's very good at networking and kissing the right butt. How do I do this? Unfortunately, because I wear my emotions on my sleeves, if I hate you, you will know it. I need to stop that. I need to start kissing more butt and laughing at more corny jokes. Why do I have to be so honest?

I'm currently working on my degree in Public Administration and I know I will get no where working for the government because, I'm not an ass kisser. And, when it comes to this county, it's not what you know, it's who's dick you suck. I can't lower myself to suck dick for a paycheck. Ok, that's being over-dramatic, I can't kiss-ass for a paycheck. It's just not in me. I guess I will always be an indian and never a chief, then. =(

90s Alter-Ego

"Potential slut". Now where do people get an idea like that about me?

If I were to have a 90s alter-ego I think it would be Rayanne Graff from "My So-Called Life." Only, I didn't dress or look as cool as her. The sluttiness, drinking and drugging may be true, though. I've done a lot more in my teenage years than I care to admit to, which is probably the reason that at 27 I am so old. I was also that bad-influence friend that parents didn't like. Well, not "parents," but a parent. Everyone else loved me, that I know of? Damn that picture.

Were these experiences good? Is that something I could have avoided with better parenting? Should I have avoided them? Are people that didn't drink/drug in their teenage years better adults? Does that really matter? I mean, you only live once, right? Don't get me wrong, I was not as bad as Rayanne.. I was never in need of AA or anything, but I was definitely no angel.

As a parent, should you accept the fact that your teenager will do these things, and just encourage an open relationship with them? Or, should you tell them to say no to drinking/drugs and hope they don't lie to you, and take your advice? Should you be more of a friend, or a parent?

Personally, I know where my poor mother went wrong. She didn't pay enough attention. Money doesn't mean everything, and because I never wanted for anything, she thinks that was what made her a good parent. Not the case. I'm not saying she was horrible, but she should have paid more attention. I appreciate the limos to proms and the DKNY jeans, but some conversations may have been a good idea, too.

All of this fueled a very bad 8 years. From age 15 to about 23 we hated each other. It was non-stop fighting, crying and mean words. Now that I'm old I can appreciate what she went through with me, and I can also see where she went wrong, although I'd never tell her. You can never tell a parent what they did/are doing wrong. Even if they don't think they will be offended, they will be. My mother is now (as corny as this sounds) one of my bestfriends, albeit still a pain in my ass. The moral of the story? Don't have children. Just adopt a 25 yr old.. they are over all the bad stages by then.

I don't mention my father in all of this, because he was never really around. Not because he didn't want to be, but because I didn't let him.. and that has never changed.

Weird Habits

Apparently, I have to list my top 5 weird habits. I thought I would have a hard time narrowing the list down, but it was actually difficult to think of five. I can easily give you a dozen bad habits, but weird.. I dunno. I guess I'm not as weird as I thought I was. So, ladies & gentlemen, for your amusement:

1. Hair collecting. I shed hair like a dog. I'm surprised I'm not bald. I got really tired of putting Drain-o in the shower, and those little drain covers aren't enough. So, I collect my hair. As I shower and my hair comes out all over my hands, I stick it on the wall. I have a nice little hairball by the time I'm done. I know, I'm weird.

2. I'm constantly looking in the mirror. Is that more vain than it is weird? Is it a girl thing, or is it just me? It's an obsession, though. If I pass a mirror, I HAVE to look in it.. and it's mostly looking at my tummy. I have an obsession with tummies. I dance, too! Mostly when I'm looking in the mirror, and only when I'm alone. I'm always playing music, so I shake my booty as I dress and/or put on makeup.

3. I do this really weird thing with my tongue when I'm in deep concentration, I put it in between my bottom lip and my teeth.. I start to look a little like Bubba from "Forest Gump." Anyway, like I was sayin', shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey's uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo...

4. I cut onions with goggles on. I don't like the burning and crying, so I use painting goggles to cut onions. It works, so kiss my ass!!

5. I weigh myself at least twice a day. This one actually annoys me. I hate that I do it, but I can't help it. I guess since I used to be a pro-wrestler I'm just paranoid about getting back to those days. I weigh myself every morning, sometimes twice, and every evening.

Leave me comments with your weird habits, so I don't feel so bad. =)

Sexy Ugly

"Who do you have to blow to get some fucking pussy around here!"

While I sit in front of the mirror and blowdry my hair for an hour, I watch a DVD. The other night it was "Kissing Jessica Stein," which is a movie I really like. If you haven't seen it, put it on your Netflix list.

Today, in an effort to waste more tax-payer dollars, I was watching some videos at work. Shakira's "No," Pink's "Stupid Girls" and NIN "The Hand That Feeds." In the movie, Helen talks about a category of man called "sexy ugly." The men that she was referring to, to me, were just plain ol' ugly. Harvey Keitel, Lyle Lovett (ick), so I didn't really get it. I didn't get it until I watched the NIN video. I think Trent Reznor is definitely sexy-ugly. He's not an extremely attractive man, but he is so incredibly sexy!! I'd totally do him. Who else is in this category? How about Steven Tyler? He's older, but still has something about him. Lastly, Liam Neeson. I don't know why, but I have a thing for him.

Yvette's Top Five Sexy-Ugly Men:
5. Marilyn Manson
4. Liam Neeson
3. Steven Tyler
2. Adrien Brody
1. Trent Reznor (see above)

Yvette's Top Five Yummy Men (I'm not talking acting skills, just hotness):
5. James Marsden
4. Matthew McConaughey
3. Ryan Phillippe
2. Ewan McGregor
1. Michael Rosenbaum

Yvette's Top Five Yummy Women:
5. Claire Forlani
4. Rose McGowan
3. Kate Beckinsale
2. Scarlett Johansson
1. Angelina Jolie

The Day After...

Would you like to know how my Valentine's Day was spent?? Well first off, my mid-term was cancelled, much to my annoyance... I was prepared, damnit. So, I went home, ordered Cuban food (I needed something fatty) and sat in front of the t.v. watching "Sex and the City" reruns on TBS. That, my friends, was my pathetic day of lovers. No flowers, no candy, no teddie bears.. well, that's a lie. I got a little ape holding a heart from my favorite fags. Most importantly, I didn't get laid. I don't think my little plastic friend and Jezebelle Bond count.

Valentine's Day, bah, humbug.

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true."

Happy Valentine's Day. I woke up this morning, and not realizing what day it is, subconsciously dressed in black. Today is apparently a day of mourning. It's been quite a few years since I haven't had a Valentine's Day date, and in all honesty, I don't seem to care all that much. I have a mid-term tonight, which is occupying my mind right now.. I've also already been to the Melting Pot this week, so all is good in the world. Cupid can kiss my fat ass.

Did anyone happen to see the last 2 episodes of "Grey's Anatomy??" What a great show. If all of the other episodes sucked (and they don't), this is not the one to miss. Drama, drama, drama. I actually had a semi-discussion with Joey this morning about Meredith and Dr. McDreamy: He's calling Meredith a slut and Dr. McDreamy a prick because he cheated/is cheating on his wife. However, since he doesn't watch the show, he doesn't know the whole story. McDreamy found his wife in bed with his bestfriend and left her. He moved to Chicago (I think that's where they are?) and met and fell for Meredith. The wife comes looking for him and wants him to forgive her indiscretions, which he does.. sort of. He leaves Meredith and stays with his wife, even though we all know he's in love with Meredith. Now, my question is this: how wrong is it to fall for someone else? Obviously, cheating is wrong, but should you stay in an unhappy relationship just for commitment's sake? And, if you're in a committed relationship (married, or not) and the other person has a temporary lapse of judgment, how easy is it to forgive them? What if it only happened once? What if it's happened several times? Could you forgive them?

Personally, I'd chop his balls off. Heh. Just kidding. I don't think I could forgive even one indiscretion, though. There would always be this lack of trust and paranoia in the back of my mind. Where is he?? Who is he with?? I won't stay in a relationship for commitment's sake, marriage or not. I've heard about a few married men, with children, that cheat on their wives on a regular basis. This is apparently normal to them. They claim to love their wives, but just want something different. Are we not made to be monogamous? Does true love really exist, if this is the case? People are always going to want something different. If you have a ham & cheese sandwich everyday for the next five years, eventually, you will get sick of it. Why bother getting married, then?

Useless Managers

Right now I am sitting in a Microsoft Project training session. Yes, Miami, this is your tax money hard at work. I came in at 8:30 this morning and was told to come here. Why? Well, because it seems that my division director, who we'll call Tweedle Dee, and his lackee assistant (Tweedle Dumb) are useless. They attended this very same training on Monday and were completely lost, so I have been sent in to learn the program for them.

Let's go through the first 4 hours of this training in a nutshell:

Trainer: "Now, class, how do you save your project?? You go to 'file' and click on 'save as'. How do you open a new project? Click on the icon with the little disk.."

How does one become a deputy director for an entire division and not know what a hard drive is? Or, how to save a document?? The fact that this poor shmo has to come train us on ridiculous stuff like how to open a new document is hysterical! My boss is a man with a Master's Degree, mind you. And, he's not the only one! That's the more pathetic part! There are 2 of us in here for the same reason, cuz our bosses are useless.

I understand the fact that you are qualified for this job because you've been doing it for 400 years, but at least try to learn new things! Shouldn't a manager want to update their skills? Why would you want your employees to know more than you??

I should just be the boss. I rule.

Past Life Regression

"I've been trying to remember things, CLEARLY remember things, from my past, but the more I try to think back, the more it all starts to unravel. None of it seems real. It's like I've just been dreaming this life, and when I finally wake up, I'll be somebody else. Somebody totally different!" -Dark City

I hung out with some friends this past weekend and most of the evening was spent rehashing stories of our youth. All of us having grown up in Cuban households (with the exception of the sole Mexican) we all had a similar upbringing. Something struck me as I listened to all the stories, though.. I don't remember anything from my childhood. I only remember high school. Anything before that is a complete blur. I know how I was raised, and I remember little incidents here and there, but not to the extent of the stories I was litening to on Saturday.

I remember the time I went to the trashy neighbors house to hang out with their kids, after I was told not to, and I came home to get the beating of my life. Damn that correa. I also remember the time in 3rd grade that I got a bad grade and needed to have it signed by my mother. What did I do? I forged my mother's signature. In the third grade! Needless to say, I got another beating. These are really the only incidents I remember, though.

Was I that traumatized as a child? Or, have all the drugs from high school affected me that much? I do remember most of high school.. Like the time Ana had her Sweet 15 and I got smashed and someone took a picture of me with my hand on some guy's privates. I wasn't really a slut, I swear!! I remember all our corny dances, with our flannel shirts and Converse sneakers. I remember all our formal social functions. But, for the life of me, I cannot remember anything before freshman year.

Does the way you raise your child really have that much of an impact on their memory? Am I purposely storing all this info in the back of my mind somewhere? Maybe I should go to a hypnotherapist? They can rehash my youth and then some..